ANXIETY AND THE PANDEMIC
how am I actually doing during the pandemic
I am going to be honest… I am not doing great. Some days I can shut off my anxiety for almost a whole day and other days it completely consumes my day… Each day the past 12 weeks have had similarities and differences. Yes, I have been sheltering in place for 12 weeks... I have worked from home for two weeks before being furloughed for six weeks and then working from home for 4 more weeks and only going into work when absolutely necessary.
(I have added some updates as of October 2021 inside brackets like these).
What I have and have not done…
I have grown to appreciate the outdoors more and realize the importance of sunshine (still do and always will now).
I have had work to distract me most of my days.
I have finally created this website I have been wanting for years now.
I have been working on re-branding myself.
I have successfully cooked many meals fully on my own. I stopped ordering a meal-delivery kit temporarily. (Still don’t).
I have drawn a lot more art on my iPad and some fun story templates. Check out my Instagram @TaylorLoveTate or Pinterest to see some of it.
I have read 3 books, which may not seem like a lot but I think the last time I read a book was like 2014… I like TV shows more…
I have temporarily changed the type of shows and movies I watch… I normally watch a lot of horror movies/shows but I can’t seem to watch them now… they weigh heavy on my emotions now… now I watch a lot of Disney, rom-coms, and family shows. I have started to watch Boy Meets World, Suite Life of Zach and Cody, Atypical, and The Growing Pains during this pandemic. PS: Outer Banks is really great on Netflix!
I have not gone into another building including a grocery store this entire 12 weeks… other than a few hours a week while I have been working the last four weeks to take some photos for work, since I run social media for a company (I don’t work there anymore, I left to work for myself Dec 2020).
I have not dined at a restaurant for 12 weeks (I actually didn’t dine inside again until a year later for my 30th birthday I went to the Summit Club with my parents and we got a private room for the three of us).
I have worked on growing my faith more and will continue to do so.
I have not hugged anyone other than my parents for 12 weeks (I didn’t until a year later when my grandma and I were fully vaccinated).
I have strangely been craving beef tacos every week… I make them weekly (I actually have the recipe on here). PS: in a normal world I hated beef tacos, but this recipe has been a game-changer.
I haven’t had fast food. I don’t trust them right now… I am sure they are doing things to code but I am not ready for that… in 12 weeks.
I have only gotten gas one time the past 12 weeks (I get gas now, but use a paper towel to touch anything now and sanitize after).
anxiety made me do it…
I try to keep myself busy all day to create a distraction from thinking about the world, the pain and suffering, the risks, the people not doing their part to protect others, the losses, the unknown, and just the sheer volume of this pandemic…
I have had more full-blown panic attacks more than I normally do in a year or multiple years at this point (These have lessened but anxiety is still higher than it was pre-pandemic).
I drink a glass of wine before bed practically every night hoping it will help me sleep through the night or destress from the day I have had if it was higher with stress or anxiety (Thankfully I do not need wine daily to function anymore!).
here’s a special note if you got this far
If you have gotten this far, I would assume you are someone who has some concerns or worries during this time or just really care about me... If you are also feeling more anxious, your routines are all topsy turvy, or you feel like no one understands what you are going through (including yourself at times), know you are not alone and your feelings are valid! Hear this clearly, you are not alone and your feelings are valid. Do not let others shame you by saying otherwise or by them questioning what you feel or what you do. Not everyone can show empathy. Not everyone can comprehend the depth of what the world is going through or wants to feel it. I wish I didn’t have the gift of empathy sometimes, of feeling things deeper than others, of caring for strangers or friends more than most… but that is what I have been given in my soul and in a normal world it was a gift a lot of the time but in some situations, it has been a burden too. My future is uncertain but so is everyone’s...
I don’t know…
if I will lose someone I love to the coronavirus (I have, sadly).
when I will be able to sleep like normal again.
when my anxiety will be a rare occurrence in my year like normal.
when I won’t drink a glass of wine each night (I don’t anymore).
when I will dine in a restaurant or travel again (1 year later dining, still no travel).
when I will go into a store to buy groceries or shop (Trader Joes for Christmas Items, 8 months into the pandemic).
when I will be able to hug my grandma and my friends again (1 year later but I don’t hug as my standard greeting anymore).
when I will go see a movie or go to an event (no movies yet, might go to an event Nov 2021).
I know/hope for…
I know the world will get better someday… Hopefully, before the year is over and before Halloween—I love Halloween 2020. (Still not where I thought we would be but I am hopeful about 2022…)
I know I am surrounded (sometimes at a distance) by great family and friends that care for me and I care for them deeply.
I know this will forever change people’s lives.
I hope we will love deeper and take less for granted now.
I hope more people have found art as a comfort during this time and found a new love or respect for the power and support that it can give.
I hope health professionals in the world and our local community have gained more respect and love that they deserve for their daily sacrifices and knowledge.
I hope most families will get closer or mend relationships during this time.
I hope more people are looking up from their phones and seeing the world more, that we have beautiful fresh air around us we should breathe it in deep, that the nature that surrounds us should be seen and appreciated more.
I know the sun will always continue to give beautiful sunrises and sunsets.
I know that God is with me, always.